Some people have unusual sleep patterns. Lack of sleep is widely acknowledged to be a scourge of modern society, and it is recommended that people should ideally get eight hours of sleep a day, yet most get barely six. For some, sleep can be a period of turmoil, usually due to some kind of worry or crisis in waking life, filtering through to the subconscious.
Consider the following examples:
Case 1 - ( As told to me by D ):
Not only does D’s boyfriend talk in his sleep, he occasionally wanders around the house, visiting the fridge etc. The following morning, he has no idea what happened. Obviously, for D, it’s very disruptive. As a result, she rarely gets a good night’s sleep, and more often than not, complains at work about being exhausted.
One night, she got her revenge. Her boyfriend awoke to the sound of trickling water. He couldn’t place it at first, then realised D was not in bed. Again, he heard the trickling noise, like there was a leak. He scrambled to put the light on, and found her, crouched by the end of the bed. She appeared to ignore him, even when he tried asking her what was going on.
He went closer, and saw that she was crouched like a feral wolf-child, peeing on the floor. Still ignoring him, she crept along on all fours, found a corner, and squatted again, peeing on the floor.
She did this two more times before climbing back to bed.
He couldn’t be bothered to mop up the puddles. Instead, he made her clean it up the following morning.
Case 2 - I recounted the above story to Kev. He said his girlfriend is always talking in her sleep.
This is a typical example:
Girlfriend: WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT?!
Kev ( suddenly awakened from sleep, having a minor heart attack in the process ): What?! What’s the matter?!
Girlfriend: What’s the point of picking it up and putting it down again?
Kev: Uh? Do what?
Girlfriend: I said, it’s pointless, picking it up to put it down again. And that bloody CIGARETTE man!
Kev: What ‘cigarette man’ - ?
Girlfriend: Shall we fly away?
Kev: - Wha - ?
Girlfriend: FOCK OFF!
- and then, apparently, she goes -
‘I’m pouring curry on you..! - I’M POURING CURRY ON YOUUUUUUUU - !’
‘My god, man,’ I said, ‘Even in her sleep, your woman’s got an attitude on her.’
‘I know. One day I’ll wake up and find her hands around my neck.’
Kev paused, a pensive look on his face. ‘You know what, though? I don’t think I’d like it if I found my girlfriend pissing on the floor. I think I’d be furious. I’d go, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’
I said, ‘You’d have to be careful, though, if you startled her. Apparently it’s dangerous if you try to wake someone up while in they’re in a trance-like state.’
‘God yeah, it’d be like…’
Kev acts out his version of such an event - one that entails a large amount of somnambulistic bowel activity, complete with explicit sound effects - and his subsequent horrified reaction.
He pauses, mulling over the ramifications, shaking his head solemnly.
‘Yeah, man…if your girlfriend shat on your face…that’s out of order.’
