Colleague: You're an artist, ent ya?
Me: Uh, yeah?
Colleague: I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.
Me: Ah, well, I'm not a great fan of tattoos. But I've had people ask if I can design ones for them. What have you got in mind?
Colleague: I'm thinking of having a back tattoo: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Me: Jesus Christ.
I'm thinking that to do this successfully, you've got to render, in smudgy ink on saggy middle-aged flesh, a shitload of mathematically-precise engineering detail. It will have to be enormous, in order for the detail to be clear.
I'm about to verbalise my reservations, when he says:
'-And the Statue Of Liberty.'
I say: 'Icons from two separate coasts, isn't that - ?'
'-And a quarterback from The Miami Dolphins, maybe with a ball flying out...'
'What's the underlying theme?'
'-And a helicopter, flying around the Statue Of Liberty.'
'It seems an odd mixture of imagery.'
'And a map of America, with the flag on it -'
'You must love America.'
' -And a map of Italy and Sicily.'
'Oh, I get it, is this places you've - '
'And portraits of my kids faces, up at the top.'
'I'm really not sure about the level of detail required, and if it will all fit in.'
'It's places I've been, with the wife and the kids.'
'What does she think about this?'
'She doesn't know. And I don't care.'
'Is it wise to get something this crammed with detail, when you're not even going to be able to see it?'
'I don't care.'
'I'm not sure the wife would approve, your whole back being covered-up like that.'
'I don't care. Anyway, she hates tattoos.'
