I'm watching my DVD of The Seven Year Itch, and enjoying it immensely. But unfortunately I'm getting tired and I have to be up early...
Mobile rings. At this hour, we must surely be talking car accidents, fatalities, Biblical floods...
It keeps ringing. I scramble to find it.
Eerily, its stupid tune seems to be coming from all directions. Eventually, I locate it: My trouser pocket. I don't recognize the number.
Or - I should say - my phone doesn't.
- Hello?!!
-Hello?
It's a female voice. Bad static prevents me from placing it...
- Who's this?!
-Karen.
-Karen?
Mind races. Ah, got it.
- I've just had the worst birthday in my entire life, she says.
- Oh my God - why?! What's happened?!
- Simon's left me.
- Who?
- My boyfriend.
- Er, remind me, who is he again?
I haven't spoken to her for six months...
- He's my boyfriend.
- You mean the guy in that band?
- Karmic Travelodge? Yeah. We got back together in April.
- Okay...
- It was my birthday, and he just walked out.
- What do you mean? - When?
- About an hour ago. He said he was going to walk home.
- Walk home? In this weather? It's minus ten tonight.
- And he lives forty miles away. I'm so angry. It was supposed to be the best day of my life.
- Hmm, okay...
- I had to call the police. I had the police in my living room. They were lovely, though.
- Have they found him?
- I haven't heard anything. I work with the police a lot - I really don't want to bother them.
( Karen is the Nuclear Attack Emergency Co-ordinator for the South East ).
- Okay.
- I just wanted to be treated like a princess. It's supposed to be the greatest day of my life.
- Yeah. Okay. So you had a bust-up and he left?
- Yeah. I'm so angry.
- Have you had many bust-ups since you got back together?
- No, none at all. Well, maybe a little one. But that was it.
- Now, wait. Remind me: Isn't this guy bi-polar?
- ...No.
- But didn't you tell me he had a condition?
- No.
- Okay, so he just walked out? I mean, was he dressed safely for the weather?
The phone sporadically crackles with static, and this time, her voice drops out altogether and I only hear -
- shirt.
- Shirt. Okay.
- I just wanted to be treated like a princess. He told me he was tired and he went upstairs for a nap. And when I went up, I couldn't wake him. So I pulled the duvet off him.
- ...He wouldn't wake up...Is he on some kind of medication?
- No.
I'm really starting to get confused now. So I ask -
- Are you?
- On medication? No, not at all.
Her breathing changes. I'm sensing that what I'm suggesting about either her, or her boyfriend, is not being received well.
- Karen, I haven't spoken to you for six months. I'm just trying to work out what's going on.
- I'm so angry with him. Is that bad?
- Not necessarily. He's walked out in arctic weather. You're right to be angry that he's going to keep you up all night, worrying.
- ...I just wanted to be treated like a princess...
- Yeah.
-It's supposed to be the best day of my life.
- Did you both have a lot to drink?
- No, we hardly had anything. He just walked out.
- Are you sure he doesn't have some kind of condition?
- No.
- You know, that prevents him from doing something? Holding down a job, or whatever?
- No.
- Karen, where did I get that from then? Why would I make that up?
- I don't know.
I'm starting to feel a sense of dislocation. Like someone has pulled a rug out from under me. Am I going nuts? Where did I get that from?
- Christ, Karen. Maybe I dreamt that? Oh my God, it's late. Maybe I'm asleep right now. Karen, am I dreaming this conversation?
- Haha, like Inception? Have you seen that?
- No I haven't. I want to, it's been on my Amazon wish-list for ages.
- It's a great film.
- I heard. Don't tell me the end.
- No, I won't. But you should see it. You'd love it.
- Yeah. I know.
-I'm so angry, though. I just wanted to be treated -
- Like a princess.
- Is that wrong?
- Well, no about being worried. About being a princess...
- Have I gone too far?
- Karen, be honest. Are you high maintenance?
- No, not at all. I'm a nice girl.
- Yeah. I know you are. I'm just trying to figure out why he did it.
- I couldn't wake him up. So I pulled the duvet off him, and he walked out and I called the police. Because he lives forty miles away, and can't drive.
- ? He can't drive?
- He's not allowed to. He's an epileptic.
