KAYLA'S GOT IT IN 'ER YARD

Yo. Put yas lil sis on.

Is lil sis there?

I talk to sis, lahk.

Yo. Can yoo corl me?

I spendin’ Easter wiv ma famlee.

S’wot ah sed: Ma famlee.

E's mah key worker.

De one at de Jobcentre.

Yah.

Ah try ta get a appointmen'.

Mah appointmen'.

I want mah appointmen' wiv ma key worker.

E’s just wastin’ mah teym, man.

E’s just wastin’ mah teym, innit?

So. Hasim sed all she has to do is dat online bankin’ fing, innit?

I tol’ him ta let me knorr when it all goes keck, lahk.

Coz it’s easier, know wot I sayin’?

Maybe mah mom done dat. Coz ah don’t know ‘ow online bankin’ works.

It’s gonna say ‘Chantal’, innit?

Ahm on da treen.

Yo. I need da monnay now.

Maaaaaannnnn.

I tol’ dem, day put dat monnay in.

But she needs to contac’ dem, to see if da monnay when in.

Ma key worker.

No. I jus’ want him too corl me wiv a date.

I already tol’ dem.

When ‘e’s in. When ‘e’s actually in.

Das wot ahm tryin’ to say.

Ya sorted it aht nah.

Coz yoos fought ah wazzint gonna pay dat monnay, cha?

Das wot ah said n shit.

Woah, bruv.

How they gonna know?

Unless they got cameras in tha property, how they gonna know I’m there?

I wanna pay mah rent, man.

I wanna pay mah rent.

But they have’ta know I sacrificed tha rent for the par’ee.

So I pay another four’ee pahnds next week.

An’ de week after dat.

An’ when mah bro comes back to me, and says - 

‘yo tryin’ to take da piss, dude.’

When ‘e sez that, I can say -  

‘Mon, when mah bwoys come up, yah? I go dahn inna car and try a save monnay.’

Simple, yah?

Get a job, yah? Workin’, at least ya know ya gonna get ya monnay bwak, even if ah spend it, ya knorr?

Kayla’s got it in ‘er yard, innit?

So ah get mah stifficate on Wednesday, yah?

Yo, Steph. It’ll be easier when e’s at nursey.

If he’s at nursey, yoos can get a part-time job.

Steph, wah yoo listen ta peeple?

Wah yoo listen ta peeple?

You know dem African Caribbean peeple, dey strict, yah?

Dem African Caribbean peeple, dey don’t call it abuse.

Dey don’t abuse, but if yoo tark back...

Leyk, if yoo tark back to yer mom...

Dat’s why black men never tark back too yoo.

Listen.

I’s in a restaurant, yah?

An’ this was a white lady, yah?

An’ she had this four-year-old, yah?

An’ this four-yeah-old sed to her mom, yah? - ‘‘Shut the fwuck up, I don’t wanna listen too yoo.’’

If that was mah kid, I’d twist its ears off, yah?

I’d teck away all its toys, lahk, yah knorr?

Yo. Steph?

Yo.

I’s in de tunnel.

Fwuuuk. Dumb bitch.

Me meck ya pum-pum ‘appeh /

Me meck ya pum-pum creh /

Me meck ya pum-pum sing somm-teym /

La-la / La-la.

Yo. Steph? - Yoos there?

Ver’ black, I know.

Ver’ ghetto, man, ver’ ghetto.

Ay-ay-ay eye.

Ya don’t leyk monnay?.../

...An’ I jus’ wanna get friendly wiv ‘er /

Wanna get friendly wiv ‘er /

Ya see a big batty, where ya fine dat? /

- Can ah ‘ave a taxi, pleez?

Ahm goin’ ta Hawfawn Road, Handswerf.

Fank you so much.

Aht.

‘Ey, big batty gyal, good evenin’ /

I c’n see dat ya chicken needs seeznin’ /

Big batty gyal, good evenin’ /

I c’n see dat ya chicken needs seeznin’.

Yo. I kwalled you, bitch.

Ey lahk yoo too.

I do. I do I do I do.

Baby, bend ovah n breck ya back /

Bring ya friend over n breck ya back /

De way she bend over n breck ‘er back /

Ah nearly fell over n broke me back.

Yo. ‘Ave you ‘erd ‘is bars, blud?

Iss not abaht guns n niggas choppin’.

Young G.

Is it choo?

That CB was at the faht, yesterdee?

Was CB's at the faht?

CB’s related to Saucer?

Was CB’s dere?

Yo. Was CB’s at de faht?

How could CB’s be at de war, if ‘e’s in jell?

Ah ‘erd ‘e was in jell.

We greynd so hard, inner London /

Buh’ widdout big batty I can't funcshun.

Yeah. ‘I’s ‘ere. No. Ah sed, I’s ‘ere. I’s comin’ inta Birmingham raht nah.

S’wot ah sed.

Where yoos parked?

Ah’m still on de treen.

Aht.

Fwuuuk.

............................................................

UKIP IF YOU WANT TO. I'M WIDE AWAKE.

With this open door immigration, I'm truly worried about Britain losing its identity.

I miss the good old days of when I grew up, and you saw NF for 'National Front' scrawled on everything. And my dear uncle, ( hugely successful businessman ) visiting Halesowen and being told by two old women outside Jackson's shop to 'bugger off back where you came from'. Oh yeah, I do miss that.

And I miss people's lovely sense of humour. Like last week, my mate attending Jobclub in Birmingham said that the guy in charge ( an old Sergeant Major ), referred to a Somali as a 'jungle-bunny' TO HIS FACE. Yes, this racist has a f**king job, and is being employed by a subcontractor to the government! This same outstanding citizen also said that when he was stationed in Northern Ireland, the army used to think nothing of breaking into shops over night, and stealing cigarettes and whatever else they fancied. NO WONDER THE IRISH WANTED TO KILL US.

Personally, I miss the good old days of AD 43. At least we could get a decent goddamn pizza then, seeing as we were being RUN BY ITALIANS.

So which Britain are we talking about?